MARCH 2025
Experiencing grief and finding joy might seem mutually exclusive. A dichotomy?
Grief is a deep loss of someone or something near and dear.
Joy is a feeling of great pleasure.
In life there is certainly an ebb and flow of grief, joy, grief, joy, grief, joy, grief, joy. . .
EndorphinGirl® is not going to pretend, this is a very tender month. It is the birthday of Danielle Koppenaal (fierce and awesome girlfriend of EndorphinSon) who would have been 30 years old this past March 10th. And, March 26th is the one year anniversary of her death. The reality is the year has been tough but the grief this month feels a bit deeper again perhaps for those who knew and love Danielle. Simply put it sucks. It sucks that she is not here for her birthday, it sucks that she has missed the past year+. It sucks for those who knew and love and miss her.
As with anything in life, typically, until you experience it directly, it is hard to understand a situation. Whether it is raw grief, sheer joy, or something else. It’s certainly been a year of some big grief for the EndorphinFamily and yet there have also been some big moments of joy that continue to weave in!
Personally, Danielle’s death has been harder than EndorphinGirl® could have imagined. She has lost other people close to her, yet this one has hit so hard for a number of reasons. In particular, because Danielle’s life was quickly cut short and because one feels the grief their own child goes through - both deeply felt by EndorphinGirl®.
Experiencing Grief
First and foremost it is a month to remember Danielle. She has certainly been top of mind this past year, but coming upon the one year anniversary of her death and what would have taken her into her next decade of life makes this time feel more vulnerable.
The following paragraphs are words you may have read before, but as EndorphinGirl® has previously shared in her last blog, sharing reminders on a topic are sometimes super helpful for the writer and the reader (no pun intended)!
If you are familiar with the Elizabeth Kübler-Ross model of grief, there are five stages of grief. Initially the model was set up as linear but it is not, not at all; as anyone who has experienced a loss may have felt.
These stages include denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance, and EndorphinGirl® would add a sixth stage as awareness. These are a framework for understanding that as you go in and out of these stages, if you allow each to unfold, AND find an awareness of the stage you are in, you may find it easier to access the support that you require. That support in some instances may be doing nothing, but it also may call for doing something.
These stages are not one and done experiences. One or the other may come back for a revisit. While EndorphinGirl® can acknowledge that she has gone through each of these stages, and has also done a ton of work on the topic of ‘awareness’, when she reflects back on the year, she would have disputed that she would experience all of the stages. Grief is sneaky!
Here's a brief explanation of each stage:
Denial one refuses to accept the reality of a loss or change, sometimes disguised as disbelief or shock
Anger may get directed to oneself, or others, or even a higher power.
Bargaining is often the negotiation stage, perhaps trying to make a deal with aa higher power to undo the loss or change
Depression can feel like a deep deep sense of sadness, withdrawal, emptiness at the reality of the loss or change is acknowledge
Acceptance involves coming to terms with the loss or change and finding a way to move forward with life.
There are so many tools that can support grief, but often because someone going through a loss is in one of the five stages of grief finding access feels near impossible. This is certainly where finding awareness is important. But this is sometimes easier said than done.
EndorphinGirl® was inspired to share some of the tools that have supported her during this past year. This share is inspired by remembering Danielle’s courage to help others in the face of her terminal diagnosis yet unwavering fighting spirit, which she exemplified during her illness!
Danielle co-hosted a podcast called cancerchats™ with a theme focused on the good, the bad and the funny whereby she and her co-host (Bevin) interviewed on average twenty-something year olds who survived cancer. During each episode their guests shared the good, the bad and the funny experiences of their personal cancer journey. Through this podcast Danielle and Bevin gave these young cancer survivors a platform to share their stories, all of whom were so grateful for the platform. Danielle and Bevin also helped other listeners by sharing information and resources for anyone affected by cancer, or encouraged people to get tested if they had any questions or concerns. They hosted their final episode together from Danielle's hospital room a few weeks before Danielle’s death. It is the only episode EndorphinGirl® missed, perhaps one day she will listen?
EndorphinGirl® was also inspired by the courage and tenacity Danielle showed literally up until her dying breath from her wit and wicked hysterical sense of humor as she lay in a hospital bed and her smarts which included knowledgeable discussions with her doctors about treatment, at one point making it very clear to them by saying “I’m 29 years old, and I’m not dying”. Perhaps one would say this was the denial stage, in this situation I would say she was seeing through the battle of her life. None of us are here to judge. She was really someone special.
So in the spirit of Danielle, these are some of the tools EndorphinGirl® has found helpful for dealing with grief. All are easily accessible.
Tonkin’s Model of Grief - an important one to start with. Louis Tonkin's theory reminds us that grief doesn't shrink or disappear over time. Instead, our lives grow around grief. As we create new memories, meet new people, and find moments of joy, our capacity to live alongside our grief expands. It took one visual, one very powerful visual related to this method, that helped EndorphinGirl® probably the most this past year. 👇🏼
[Picture source: Cruse Bereavement Support] https://www.cruse.org.uk/understanding-grief/effects-of-grief/growing-around-grief/
cancercare.org - (taken from their website - “founded in 1944, CancerCare is the leading national organization providing free, professional support services and information to help people manage the emotional, practical and financial challenges of cancer”). They provide up to one year of bereavement counseling services to cancer survivors and their caregivers, family and friends, at no cost. Quite a remarkable organization.
Yoga, Meditation - the combination of a physical yoga (asana) practice with meditation is such a powerful resource for grief because it combines both stillness (meditation) and movement (asanas) as releases. Both support and promote stress reduction, emotional processing, and a sense of grounding and self-compassion. Even though EndorphinGirl® had a regular practice prior, during the grief period, it was and continues as a game-changer.
Breathing exercises - While breathing exercises also known as pranayama provides some of the same benefits as yoga and meditation, breath work also supports a regulation of emotions and increase of oxygen flow to the brain and body; breath work is a great circulation supporter.
Nature walks - just do it, find the nearest Park and get out there for a short brisk walk, a long slow stroll, it does’t matter the format, but the movement combined with nature works magic for the nervous system and physical body, quite similar to yoga and meditation and breath work. And leave the phone at home or off during your stroll.
Pause social media - whether it is by limited daily use, or ‘fasting’ from your phone for designated periods of time, you may pick up some other more healthy habits such as more reading, writing, spending time with friends and find more clarity in your mind and day.
Heavy stuff, the death thing is - it really is traumatic for one’s inner landscape - for those loved ones who are left behind. The more we acknowledge and believe feeling better is an option, take action as needed, with the above mentioned tools or ones that work better for you, the less chance grief gets to ruminate in our mind, body and spirit. Sometimes stillness is called for, sometimes movement is necessary. Let awareness guide you.
Finding Joy
Suffering a deep loss takes one to a place sometimes where the idea of Joy almost feels disrespectful to grief. But Joy comes in the smallest and quietest moments that are sometimes unexpected. And at times those moments are big and loud. Joy also finds you rather than you finding it at times, if you allow yourself to be open to it. Whether it finds you or you find it, let it in, even when it feels ‘disrespectful’ to the loss. The sooner you do so, the sooner the magical shift will happen. By allowing the joy in, you are expanding away from the grief, as the Tonkin theory suggests, yet you still get to keep the love for and memories of your loved one in your heart.
Book Share
This month’s book share feels apropos - Breath The New Science of a Lost Art, by James Nestor. Perhaps because EndorphinGirl® has done a significant amount of learning about breathing techniques in the last number of years not the least of which thanks goes to Yoga, she was particularly fascinated by this book. It explores the evolution of why we breath as we do today, the concern and health issues that go with present day way of breathing, and it shares tips and techniques to bring more consistent breathing into our lives to support our circulatory systems, sleep patterns and everyday feel good status. While the book can get a bit technical at times, the anecdotal stories and historical discoveries are quite fascinating.
Yoga Videos
Be on the lookout for a variety of four (4) different practices each month during a 12-month duration, such as Gentle Yoga, Slow Flow Yoga, Yin Yoga, breath work, meditations, mindfulness practices, and more presented during the seasons of Northern Finland Landscape. Available on-line and each set of monthly practices aligned and released to its respective season. Subscription options coming soon. Created, designed and lead by Mia Kataisto. Stay tuned, you will not want to miss these, they are so unique!
EndorphinGirl®’s Feel Good Tip #3
"Four-part breathing," also known as box breathing or square breathing, is a deep breathing technique that involves inhaling, holding, exhaling, and holding again, each for an equal count of 4 (seconds). This technique can help calm the nervous system and reduce stress. A great breathing technique to be used at any time and during any of the stages of grief too.
Here's how it works:
Inhale: Breathe in slowly and deeply through your nose for a count of 4, focusing on filling your lungs and stomach with air. Breath from the belly
Hold: Hold your breath for a count of 4
Exhale: Breathe out slowly and gently through your mouth for a count of 4
Hold: Hold your breath again for a count of 4
Repeat: Continue this cycle for several rounds to experience the calming effects.
The added benefits of this four-part breathing includes improved focus and concentration, lowered blood pressure, increased oxygen in-take and improved sleep. It is simple to do and one of EndorphinGirl®’s favorites!
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While everyone has their own timeline for grief, EndorphinGirl® hopes the added ‘stage of awareness’ brings little openings of Joy in unexpected ways to support you along. Grief and Joy perhaps are not mutually exclusive.
Well as EndorphinGirl® leaves you to it, when you do hear a bell ring, think of Danielle, look up and smile!
Stay tuned for more adventures with EndorphinGirl® in 2025!
A little gnome fun on a hard day, Danielle loved her gnomes!